Using eye contact to foster neighbourliness
Many of us have heard the old saying “The eyes are the windows to your soul”. A positive side-effect of all this mask-wearing has been the eye contact we are forced to now make with each other. I believe this eye connection allows us to foster empathy, compassion, and neighbourliness for each other.
A few weeks ago, I was reminded that progress and hate still live side by side in our community. In my capacity as chair of the E.J. James P.S. School Council we hosted a panel discussion on the topic of equity and anti-racism. The very week that we were hosting this event, I went to the ATM of my local bank in downtown Oakville and was reminded of the importance of events like ours.
As I waited at the bank machine, I was careful to keep my distance from the person in front of me by standing on the social distancing stickers marked on the bank’s floor. I decided to turn my back to her to give her privacy while I read my book and waited my turn. This woman then turned around and said to me, “Excuse me, I am not comfortable doing my banking with you standing there”. For context I am a person of colour. The woman speaking to me was caucasian. She repeated her phrase. When I turned around, I saw that another patron had entered the vestibule where the ATM was located, who ironically was not being asked to leave by the woman at the ATM. The other patron was also caucasian and pretended not to hear what was going on. Finally, I told the woman speaking to me that I have no intention of trying to view any of her personal information. She then proceeded to say the following, “I do not want YOU in the bank while I am doing my banking. I don’t feel safe with YOU in the bank”. I ignored her, she got louder and threatened to call the bank manager.
As a person of colour this is not the first time something like this has happened to me. The feeling I had afterward was not anger, but sadness. On my way home, I senselessly started to dissect what I could have done to avoid having to go through that experience. Then it clicked. I forgot to “play the game”. What I mean by that is, I forgot to do the things that would allow me to fit in, in a predominantly white environment. For example, at my previous company, I quickly learned that I would be able to close larger deals for my tech company if I wore a tie, removed all facial hair, and brought along someone that looked like our prospective clients. Going to downtown Oakville for a quick errand, I should have dressed a little “nicer” and not worn my tracksuit, basketball shoes and toque. If I remembered to “play the game” as I have done countless times, perhaps that woman that yelled at me to leave the bank would have seen my nice clothes and not worried about me doing harm to her. It’s a shame because if she bothered to look past her prejudices, and simply looked me in the eyes, she would have seen a father, husband and school volunteer thinking about hosting an event that evening in the very vicinity of that bank with the intention of ending this type of hate and ignorance. To be honest I am tired of “playing the game”. None of us should have to.
Perhaps we can start a little movement of kindness here in Oakville. If you’d like to join me, here is the three-step process:
· Disconnect from the window of your smartphone and scrolling through endless social media.
· Lift your head up and connect to the eyes of those you meet throughout your day.
· Feel the information about that human that travels into your heart by establishing eye contact.
This act is small, subtle, and yet powerful enough to begin extinguishing the pockets of hate around our town and replace them with love and humanity.
Saud Juman is an Oakville resident, entrepreneur and chair of the E.J. James Public School council. He can be reached at Saudoakville@gmail.com.